Alone
by The Sun In The East
Summary: femShep/Garrus - Garrus deals with his grief following the end of Mass Effect 3. Short, quiet, and sad.


Disclaimer: I own no things Mass Effect.

**Alone**

It was incredible, how far the refugee camps spread. The Normandy had crashed not far from a human colony, and the crew was awaiting transport to wherever they could go. Most, with the exception of Joker and EDI, would be parting ways. It seemed like that was how it always was: they fought together, they endured together, but all always ended up alone.

Garrus, it seemed, more alone than anybody else. He sat around the fire with the rest of the crew, watching them struggle to understand, watching them laugh at EDI's jokes like they were actually funny. He wasn't sure if he envied them, or they made him sick.

The reports poured in from Earth.

She hadn't been found where they had been shot down. Garrus couldn't remember where she had gone from there: he'd seen her when the Reaper's beam made contact, and then he himself had blacked out. When he'd woken, broken and in agony, she was nowhere to be found. He was barely back on his feet from the wounds, too weak to do much but sit in the camp and wait.

As they cleared out the rest of London, Garrus waited. Maybe the blast had tossed her somewhere soft. Maybe she was okay. But there had been no sign of her. Then they'd cleared the Citadel. They found her blood there, tons of it. She'd gone up, somehow, badly hurt, been the one to fix things… so much blood, but no Shepard. No Lily. Not even a body. She was just… gone.

Garrus's whole body ached from his wounds, but nothing hurt like that thought did. Whatever Shepard had done up there, the results of which were only just coming to shocking light, whatever she had done to save them, she'd done at the cost of her life. He could sense the tenseness in his squadmates when they looked at him. They grieved for her, but when they looked at him he could see the conflict in their eyes, trying to figure how best to deal with the silent Turien. On the Normandy, when Liara had lost Thessia, he remembered how they'd asked Shepard to deal with it. After Horizon, when Tali had gone ahead and gotten herself drunk, Shepard had handled it. But there was no Lily to handle Garrus's grief.

Her face was plastered everywhere. Lily Shepard was a hero. The woman who had saved them all. Garrus felt like throwing up every time she looked out at him, unmoving, from a stupid dead poster.

_If I'm in that bar and you're not there_, she had told him, in another life,_ I'll be looking down on you. You'll never be alone. Never._

The entire squad around him, talking, grappling with it, looking forward, trying to deal with the very same grief that haunted him, and Garrus had never, in all his life, felt so alone. They fell silent when he stood up, despite the protests of his wounds, and left.

He didn't even know where he was going. He wanted to wander, but he could already tell his body was not going to agree with that. He went back to the bedroll that was, at this point, all he had to call his own and lay down on his side, his longing for her so poignant that he could almost feel her body curled against his.

There would be no beaches. No Krogan babies to adopt.

Garrus was trying to figure out if he even wanted a future, if he couldn't have that one.

After a while, Tali appeared and sat, cross-legged, nearby. She, Garrus figured, had been elected as the second most comforting member of their crew.

Well. Most comforting, now.

"Do you want to talk about it? I thought maybe, one on one with an old friend…"

Garrus rolled over and ignored her.

Tali sighed, softly. "Everybody's worried, Garrus. I mean, there's still no evidence either way, I know people are acting like she's gone but…"

"Drop it, Tali. We both know she's dead."

"Please, Garrus," Tali said, reaching out to touch his shoulder. "Don't make yourself do this alone. I know you loved her. So did I. She was one of my best friends. And you are, too."

"I do best alone," he grunted.

"Yeah, that's what you always say," she said, rolling her eyes underneath her helmet. "We both know it isn't really true."

Garrus shifted so her hand was forced to drop from his shoulder. "Go hang out with the others," his voice hardened. "Please."

"…Okay," Tali relented. "But… you know where to find me, Garrus. Always. If you let us, everybody wants to help you. I know you're going to get out of here on the first shuttle you can when you're strong enough, but we all care about you."

Garrus answered her with silence. Eventually, Tali left. Deep inside, Garrus felt bad for pushing her away like that. Tali and Lily had been remarkably close.

Everyone had loved Lily, in their way. And she had loved them all.

For once in his life, Garrus had felt like he'd done something right. He was fighting for something _real_, for real justice, like he always wanted, and despite his propensity for being an utter screw-up, he'd managed to win Lily Shepard. Adored by all, martyred hero of the galaxy, and she'd been _his_. Now, everybody had a claim on her memory. It made him hate the whole lot of them, making her everybody's hero, everybody's property, while he was alone again.

_You better be watching, Lily._ _Because I'm feeling pretty damn alone right now._


End file.
